Dear Dharma Friend,
In September last year, I participated in a consensual intimate relationship with a sixty-four-year-old woman who had been a friend for several years. She started out as a student, and we became close friends. Both of our spouses agreed to an experiment in ethical non-monogamy. The experiment lasted one weekend as my wife quickly discovered that the reality of our plan was unbearable for her. When I shared with my friend that we had to stop, she became profoundly distressed and, within a few days, took her life.
This tragic event led to my departure from PIMC, as I had violated a primary ethical rule. Despite the depth of our friendship, having an intimate relationship with a student is simply not acceptable. I made a grave mistake with tragic results for my friend, and far-reaching consequences for myself, our families, and many others. I cannot undo what has happened, nor can I erase the suffering experienced as a result. Many people had put their faith in me, expecting that my years of spiritual practice, extensive therapy, the Ruth Denison lineage, and commitment to the precepts would prevent such unskillful actions. Some have completely lost faith in me and perhaps in Dharma teachers in general. I am deeply sorry for the experience of betrayal and the pain that has resulted. I am sad about all the suffering that my actions may have caused. I was ignorant of the potential consequences of my choices.
There has also been a huge shock to PIMC as a community. We were working to create a smooth retirement transition and departure for me about a year from now, but the suddenness of this ending has been traumatic. I am grateful to the board and others who have stepped in, and I hope they can create a PIMC that will endure.
The suffering I have experienced has also been deep. I continue to grieve the loss of my friend. I lived with a sense of anxiety and panic for months. I felt deep shame. I lost a community I had built during forty years of teaching in Portland. I lost many friends, some of whom I had known for decades, as well as the respect of many of my peers.
These tragic events have been deeply humbling. I have done my best to face the anguish and learn from it. It has been a deep test of my faith and commitment to Dharma. Sitting for hours with shame, sadness, grief, anxiety, hopelessness and fear has been a catalyst for the opening of my heart. While I am not done with my grieving, learning and being accountable for my actions, something new and life-enhancing is emerging. Rather than destroying me, this crisis is leading me toward more love, compassion, and clarity than I knew possible.
I have been asking myself questions like; “How could I have been so blind? How did I lose track of the precepts? How was I so unconscious?”
My search has taken me deeply into my individual psychotherapy. I have also trained with a national expert on early infancy and childhood trauma, which has helped me understand some denied needs and my vulnerability to falling unconscious and acting as I did. I have unearthed early wounds that left me vulnerable. When I encountered someone with similar and dovetailing injuries we fell into a tragically human experience.
In the face of extensive and prolonged criticism, I have encountered other people's doubts and have contemplated the wisdom of beginning to teach again. I believe that the pain, suffering and healing I have experienced makes it most unlikely that I will lose the precepts again. Nonetheless, I have created a council of several mature and wise elders who will continue to provide consultation and guidance around potential blind spots.
I have been speaking with numerous former students who encourage me to teach again. They value my particular teaching style, and my life affirming, human approach which enhances the traditional teachings. They have told me that our encounters in the past, in the context of Dharma, have been life-changing. This feedback has convinced me to overcome my doubts and start teaching once again.
Many years ago, my teacher Ruth Denison authorized me to teach in her lineage. With a new humility I am recommitting myself to the precepts and to doing what I can to share the path of the Buddha with others.
If you would like to communicate with me regarding your feelings and thoughts I would be happy to hear from you.
Yours in Dharma,
Robert Beatty
This tragic event led to my departure from PIMC, as I had violated a primary ethical rule. Despite the depth of our friendship, having an intimate relationship with a student is simply not acceptable. I made a grave mistake with tragic results for my friend, and far-reaching consequences for myself, our families, and many others. I cannot undo what has happened, nor can I erase the suffering experienced as a result. Many people had put their faith in me, expecting that my years of spiritual practice, extensive therapy, the Ruth Denison lineage, and commitment to the precepts would prevent such unskillful actions. Some have completely lost faith in me and perhaps in Dharma teachers in general. I am deeply sorry for the experience of betrayal and the pain that has resulted. I am sad about all the suffering that my actions may have caused. I was ignorant of the potential consequences of my choices.
There has also been a huge shock to PIMC as a community. We were working to create a smooth retirement transition and departure for me about a year from now, but the suddenness of this ending has been traumatic. I am grateful to the board and others who have stepped in, and I hope they can create a PIMC that will endure.
The suffering I have experienced has also been deep. I continue to grieve the loss of my friend. I lived with a sense of anxiety and panic for months. I felt deep shame. I lost a community I had built during forty years of teaching in Portland. I lost many friends, some of whom I had known for decades, as well as the respect of many of my peers.
These tragic events have been deeply humbling. I have done my best to face the anguish and learn from it. It has been a deep test of my faith and commitment to Dharma. Sitting for hours with shame, sadness, grief, anxiety, hopelessness and fear has been a catalyst for the opening of my heart. While I am not done with my grieving, learning and being accountable for my actions, something new and life-enhancing is emerging. Rather than destroying me, this crisis is leading me toward more love, compassion, and clarity than I knew possible.
I have been asking myself questions like; “How could I have been so blind? How did I lose track of the precepts? How was I so unconscious?”
My search has taken me deeply into my individual psychotherapy. I have also trained with a national expert on early infancy and childhood trauma, which has helped me understand some denied needs and my vulnerability to falling unconscious and acting as I did. I have unearthed early wounds that left me vulnerable. When I encountered someone with similar and dovetailing injuries we fell into a tragically human experience.
In the face of extensive and prolonged criticism, I have encountered other people's doubts and have contemplated the wisdom of beginning to teach again. I believe that the pain, suffering and healing I have experienced makes it most unlikely that I will lose the precepts again. Nonetheless, I have created a council of several mature and wise elders who will continue to provide consultation and guidance around potential blind spots.
I have been speaking with numerous former students who encourage me to teach again. They value my particular teaching style, and my life affirming, human approach which enhances the traditional teachings. They have told me that our encounters in the past, in the context of Dharma, have been life-changing. This feedback has convinced me to overcome my doubts and start teaching once again.
Many years ago, my teacher Ruth Denison authorized me to teach in her lineage. With a new humility I am recommitting myself to the precepts and to doing what I can to share the path of the Buddha with others.
If you would like to communicate with me regarding your feelings and thoughts I would be happy to hear from you.
Yours in Dharma,
Robert Beatty
Many years ago I heard a senior teacher say something at the end of a retreat. I took it in and have routinely spoken it at the end of the many retreats I have taught. I offer it now:
"If you have felt hurt or offended in any way by our interactions I request that you tell me what happened. I ask your forgiveness if I acted unskillfully."
"If you have felt hurt or offended in any way by our interactions I request that you tell me what happened. I ask your forgiveness if I acted unskillfully."